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Something's Gotta' Give

Well, I figured it's about time I posted something here. what the hell is the point in a blog that one never uses, ya' know? 

So much has happened in the past year or so since I really updated.

To sum up my life and where it's at right now: 

I'm going to college full time, we're somewhat sorting out what's wrong with me health-wise (we figured out in February that all the shit that's wrong with me was caused by Fibromyalgia, and that it manifested about the time I was 12. Most of you who will be reading this shouldn't have too hard of time figuring out why a disease that is usually triggered by stress would manifest at that time, and if you DON'T know, then to sum it up: step father from hell entered the picture at that point.

My life changed forever then, and drastically for the worst. Shit has been a nightmare ever since then. My body has been falling apart around me, or that's what it feels like, and my whole life has felt like one big dream that I don't understand ever since. 

When I was six years old, I almost drowned. I remember just trying to get to the surface. I could see the light, but there was nothing below me to push of of, and I couldn't grab the rope that was attatched to the little bobbers nearby. All I could do was keep trying to push the water out of my lungs and figure out some way to get air. My chest hurt so badly and I couldn't get any air in my lungs. And all I could think is: How am I going to get out of this one? There's no one to save me.

Back then, I didn't know shit. I didn't know just how hopeless you could be. How dark that water can truly be. How fucking dim that light can become. I've been living and breathing for the last ten years, and yet I feel like I've been living a half life, drowning in the ugliness, the pain, and the sorrow. The infinite fucking sorrow that rages in my godamn heart.

I'm so blessed that I've had Dragonflyy by my side for the last six years. Always rooting for me. Always believing in me. No matter what i was trying to do, he was always right behind me. It didn't matter if it was learning how to knit or going back to school. No matter what fucked up endeavor I was attempting, Dragonflyy always believed that I could do it. As far as he's concerned, my capabilities are only limited by what I tell myself I can and can not do. He gives me far too much credit, but I know without his kindness, his patience, his love, his support, I would be damned. I would have curled in on myself and turned into an empty shell. Or just taken myself out. One of the above.

Either way, the fact remains, I don't know where I'd be without my Dragonflyy. I don't even know WHAT I would be.

Which brings me to my next point.

I wouldn't be who I am without Tau, either. And whether I am a fucked up individual at the moment or I'm torn into pieces, the fact still remains that he helped make me who and what I am, and he will always hold a place in my heart, no matter where life takes us on our paths. I will always love him.

All of my lovers have helped shape me....From Tovy, to Dee, to DSD, to Kurenai, Muffin, M, Ray, and of course, forever and always, Azual. Every one of my loves has dug a chunk of my heart out that they will always be able to call their own. Even if we don't speak but once a year, even if we don't speak at all. They helped create the person I now am.

And I should be grateful that I'm alive, no matter how much darkness there may be. I believe in an afterlife. I believe in God. But I will never know with one hundred percent certainty if I'm going somewhere or where I may be going. Every breath I take is a chance to be the person I am. Every time I open my eyes in the morning, I should be grateful that I have one more day to be with those I love, to feel both pain and happiness.

Every day is a chance to love. That's a good thing, and a bad thing. There's the sadness that weighs on my heart from those I've lost. My Uncles who've passed, my lost loves, lost friends, but the love I felt for them is precious. And I should be grateful that I have the chance to feel that at all.

Too much to say...

There's so much to say and not enough time to say it since I'm on my BlackBerry and I have horrible nerve pain in my arms.

To sum it up for those of you who may or may not know, I'm in Florida with my friend H.

She was up in AR with us when we got the call that her mother had passed on Sunday. Very wrongful death but let's not go there.

The point is we had to do a massive road trip, and now things are rather complex. This is a terrible time for her and her family and I'm doing my best to be there for her so she can be there for them.

I have unlimited texts, so feel free to txt any time and to call anytime after 7pm or during the weekend.

And if you want to keep updated on what's going on with us, please follow me at Twitter: http://twitter.com/matdredalia

I've been trying to keep it updated regularly, but shit happens. So, yeah. If you've texted me and I've been out of it, I apologize.

I will try to keep crap posted.
So, I wrote this at like one in the morning while I was just having one of those days. And over the past few days, after watching the Twilight movie, re-reading parts of the books, and everything else, it finally dawned on me.(BEWARE: SPOILERS!)

In the end of the Twilight saga, Bella gets the ultimate happily ever after. And considering how long she and the rest will live, God only knows what they may go through in the future.

For a long time, this really ticked me off. I felt as if we'd been basically screwed out of seeing Bella having to make ultimate sacrifices and compromises, and all kinds of crap. Basically, at the end of the day, I felt like she just had it too good. Like everything was too perfect.

But then it occurred to me: How hard have they all fought for this? Not just Bella and Edward, who have fought awfully damn hard, but the whole Cullen clan, the Quillete tribe, all of them. The wolves, the vampires, and the human have all worked so freaking hard to protect each other, to save each other. They were willing to make the sacrifices, and sometimes they had to, and sometimes they didn't.

At the end of the day, Bella got her happily ever after because she was willing to risk EVERYTHING to be with the one she loved most, and to protect those she loved most. And I realize that that, in and of itself, makes everything fade away.

So my previous rants and ravings don't matter, and it occurs to me that I kept comparing Twilight to Harry Potter and saying Harry Potter was more real, when in reality, at the end of the day, the same thing is true. The only reason Harry, Hermione, Ron, and the rest got to live happily ever after, was because those that loved them and they themselves were willing to give everything to protect each other, and the world.

I just wish real life worked that way. That when you are willing to give it all for others, life can work out right and ultimate sacrifice is ultimately rewarded. maybe it does and I just haven't seen it yet.

But by god, it most certainly should work that way.

And, here's my previous rant...Collapse )

 If you haven't read part one, scroll down and go read. This one is a continuation of what has been happening. These entries span several days and are part of an overall nightmare which I shall be continuing to report on.


1:16 AM, January 29th, 2007

 So, we didn’t get to a motel with actual electric, believe it or not. Instead, we got fucked sideways with a motel that had no power, fucked up moms reservation sideways, and even went so far as to charge her an extra twenty dollars from the original price they told her they’d charge.

We could barely sleep because of either people snoring or various other shit. My brother was shafted to the floor, sadly, and barely got any sleep. And I, personally, barely slept because I kept thinking I was going to fall off the bed and bash my head on the nightstand, which, I almost did.

So, we still had no power at the hotel come this morning, all the other hotels were booked and most of them had no power either, so Mom tried to get ahold of Orscheln’s to see if the generator had come in.

At this point, Adam and I stayed behind to get some sleep, and did manage to get a little. But then I wake up to the parental units informing me that the generator was on it’s way from Mountain Home, so they’re dropping us off then going back for the generator. Here’s the story:

By the time Mom found a phone that could make the call, it was easier just to head into Flippin (it’s between us and Mountain Home where the are) and go ask in person.

Still no dice. Apparently the truck had wrecked between Flippin and Mountain Home. However, the guys from our store took their own trucks and went TO THE WRECK and loaded up as many generators as they could. We talked to them about this at about 4pm when mom ran back through to drop us off at home. We also ordered 3 pizzas (and paid for them) at Pizza Hut at the same time so we could grab them on the return trip to get the generator.

Well! NO DICE!

Mom and I go back to town, and it’s about five, maybe five-thirty when we get there. We stop at Orsceln’s to see if the generator is there. No dice. The truck should be there in 20 minutes or so they say, it’s already on it’s way. So, we shop a bit for things to keep warm, like union suits. Hey, we’re desperate. We shopped for almost an hour.

Still no generator. As a matter of fact, BOTH of the managers are on the phone trying to get us some news, some idea of what is going on. Well wouldn’t you know that the home branch lied through their teeth – the truck is STILL sitting in Mountain Home. It hadn’t left, the other store (or corporate office) lied. One manager is talking to the Mountain Home Orscheln’s, the other is talking to the home branch. They’re being screwed with, badly. However, once again they’re told the truck is leaving…again.

Well, the one checkout guy is nice to us and gives us 5% off with the “Senior Citizen” discount, just to be nice to us because he knows we’ve had a rough day.

So, we wait.

So we go shopping at Wal Mart to get shit taken care of that we need, like gas cans to get gas for the generator, and various other shit. We pick up a GoPhone since our phone is still out, and frankly, Mom needs a cellphone for emergencies anyways.

We go back to Orsceln’s. It’s around 6:20, still no dice.

So we go to pick up the pizzas. Well, guess what? Yeah, right. Not happening. Why? Because somebody at pizza hut thought it would be a good idea to close up shop at 6 or whenever, with a PAID FOR ORDER still sitting there, which they were SPECIFICALLY told it would take us at LEAST an hour and hour and a half (probably two) hours for us to get back for. Their sign says 9 pm. They NEVER said a word to Mom or Dan about closing early. They just didn’t give a flying fuck.

So, we spent our money on food at Pizza Hut, and we got absolutely nothing for it. So, we head back to Wal Mart to see if they have anything warm to eat, or subs, or SOMETHING.

Nothing. So, we asked them to help us get the GoPhone running (since the payphones are mostly out, and our phone at home is out so we can’t do it ourself) so we could get ahold of my Aunt Tammy to make sure they’re alright and to call Grama to let her know we’re okay. I was also going to try to call my best friend to have her get a message to Tau, since he’s in England and our calling card won’t dial to there, even when our phone is working properly and the GoPhone is way too expensive to call England with.

So, the nice lady there gets it set up, gets it charged, everything. Talk about awesome. We get a few other things we need and then head to Sonic to grab food for the masses, since they, thankfully, are nice fucking people who don’t fuck us over.

And they even had everything we ordered – yaye.

Back to Orscheln’s.

It is about 8 o’lock, maybe a little after.

Things were dicked sideways by Orscheln’s main office (not our local guys, they’re saints who have went above and beyond the call of duty. We’re customers for life because of their kindness. Hell, if it weren’t for them jumping the corporate offices ass and fighting for us, we probably still would have no power).

So, we get the generator loaded up into the trunk, but it’s half out…soo…we have to take it out and try to get it into the back seat. It’s a bit too heavy (that’s the understatement of the century) so the managers, god love them, come out and help us get it in, the one guy went so far as to climb in through the front seat passenger door (since he was the smaller one, and because the back passenger door doesn’t open) and got in to pull on it, and then, his friend, the other manager, had to pull him out OVER THE TOP OF THE BOX. It was NUTS.

These guys are amazing, and they are SO getting cookies. Seriously.

So, we rush over to Wal Mart one last time and get enough gas to get the generator started up so that our family can have heat. We rush home as fast as we can (without dying), get the generator unloaded, and the guys start putting together the generator. They get it running, and we take off to get more gas. “We” being me, gram, and Mom, since Gram was freezing, and I’m trying to stay busy because I am freaking the fuck out.

Well, we get back, and thankfully things are a bit warmed up. But we have to turn off the generator to be able to fill it. Argh.

And my step father, God Love Him ™, is so stubborn he is insisting on going to work tomorrow. So, Adam, technically, should be going, but he’s not since we really do need SOMEBODY who is a bit stronger and more able bodied than me, Mikey, Gram, and Mom (who is very able but has been abused the past couple of days like no other) to be here to help with things.

The primary reason I am annoyed with my step-father, God Love Him ™, is because he is stealing a heater for he and Mom’s bedroom for them to sleep in because he can’t sleep with all the noise out here. What he SHOULD be doing is bringing mattresses out here to pile us all in and keep us all fucking warm in one room. It would be MUCH more effective, especially since even with the heater, I CAN SEE MY FUCKING BREATH!

So yeah. The Governor announced State of Emergency. But it hasn’t done shit for us. I haven’t seen ANYBODY except the fucking electric crews up here helping us.

Families are freezing. Senior citizens which make up the majority of this community, are freezing. The roads are a nightmare, trees are dive bombing people’s houses, and it is hell here. It is like a total warzone. It’s like gunshots outside hearing trees just fucking shattering constantly.

And I know this is going to sound selfish as all hell, but it pisses me off that people jump up to help after tornadoes, or after hurricanes, and no one gives a fuck about the people here.

We had almost no warning about this. It’s worse than anything this area has ever seen when it comes to winter weather. We had no preparation until the day of because no one had any idea and it’s been a VERY mild winter.

We’re lucky, to be honest. We have our generator by the grace of God. But what about the families around here with nothing that can’t get out of their houses?

I am so angry right now, because I always try to help others, even if all I can do is donate money and blood, but I always try.

Even our hospitals are without power and shit down here, and it’s like no one even gives a flying fuck about us. No one’s helping, no one’s trying.

Apparently, one million people without power between Northern Arkansas & Eastern Kentucky just don’t matter. Apparently, if we freeze to death, that’s ae-O-fucking-KAY with the rest of the world.

Fuck them. For the first time in my godamn life, I’m actually proud to live here. Because while the fucking dicks in Mountain Home gouged us on the hotel (don’t even get me started), here in Flippin and Yellville, people like our new friends at Orsceln’s are doing EVERYTHING they can to help their community. At least the people here give a damn about each other. And it has made me re-evaluate everything I thought about the people around here.

Okay, so a lot of them are prejudice. I still am not very fond of those assholes. But that doesn’t mean everybody who hunts, has a southern drawl, listens to Garth Brooks, chews tobacco, drives a pickup truck, and is missing a few of their front teeth is a dick. I found that out for-sure tonight. So, I need to stop assuming that those people are dickhead rednecks instead of just small town Southern folks.

Because you know what? Small town Southern people are GOOD people. At least the ones I’ve seen in action today.

So, I’ll keep you all posted as much as I can. I’ll be posting more pictures tomorrow when we go out for gas, since we’re trying to let in as little cold air as possible since it’s cold enough as is.

Pray for us, our neighbors, and our community. We all need it, desperately.


Total. Fucking. Nightmare.

Notice: This blog entry spans several time periods / days as I was keeping it via a steadily dying laptop while struggling without power through a HORRENDOUS ice storm that swept through the midwest, winding up being particularly devastating Northern Arkansas & Eastern Kentucky. So pay attention to dates. Also please not my grammar and spelling are shit. Sorry, I’m trying to be fast. If details are missing, I’ll fill them in later.

January 27th, 2009. Roughly 2pm, at McDonalds in Gasville, Arkansas:


I could say that I'm freaking out, but that would be the understatement of the year.


We never have serious snowstorms in Arkansas. We're lucky if we see snow once or twice a year, and usually it melts within a day, if not a few hours.


Well, here we are with a massive ICE storm that has put out power in most of the surrounding area, specifically my house, my aunts house, all of our neighbors, both of the towns on either side of us, Flippin and Yellville, and even parts of the town I did/will be attending college in, Mountain Home.


This wouldn't have been a problem if life had gone according to plan. But seriously, does anything in my life EVER go according to plan?


My aunt called us yesterday  morning to tell us about the impending storm, and so Mom and I set off to get our hands on a power generator to keep the heaters and lights on, and to get groceries so that we would be all set for being iced in.


Unfortunately, we got fucked.


Mom and I went Orsceln’s, a major chain of hardware stores that has had a few stores that have popped up around here recently. Thinking they would be our savior since they were getting in an "emergency shipment" of generators at the last minute, we purchased one immediately. Only, that's right, the shipment wasn't there yet. So, she had to pay ahead of time for a generator she wouldn't be receiving. Seven hundred and seventy six dollars for a product she had to come back out in hellish conditions to get.


But, the manager was spending the night to keep the store open to make sure every customer would receive their generator. "I PROMISE you, they will be here tonight short of that truck wrecking along the highway."


Salvation! Off to Wal Mart we go!


We grocery shop, and I notice an amazing deal on a very sexy laptop in the electronics department. Since Mom & Dan just got their income tax, and I will have my check in a few days, and Adam will be paid shortly after that, I decided it was an investment I couldn't pass up. This laptop is an amazing value at $348 before tax. It has more RAM than any of the computers in my house (some of which are seriously bad ass machines), it runs everything I could possibly need it to for school, and even runs World of Warcraft -- better than my computer.


So, when we go to get the guys from work, I am optimistic. Sure, I probably won't get to spend a lot of time with my new baby since I won't be able to charge it, but we'll have electricity to stay warm with and we'll have food. We'll be fine. Right?




At about 6pm, Mom called Orsceln’s, expecting to hear the generators were in.


The roads were bad, the truck would be arriving late, probably not until 9pm. Okay, that's still doable.


At about 7:30, the manager, the same one that promised our generator, informs us that the generators will not be in tonight. He's hoping they'll be there by morning, but he doesn't know. The trucker decided it was too bad to keep driving once he reached the Oklahoma border.


So, we're fucked. We resort to praying, and waiting.


Things are looking good when I finally head to bed at about 5am. Still no power loss. I stayed up to get stuff put on my laptop so it would be functional, and conveniently, it allowed me to stay updated on our situation.


So far, so good.


I wake up at just before 8 am, and the heater in our bedroom is off. We lost power.


By the fact that it's still warm in our bedroom, and the fact that it is FREEZING in our living room, I guesstimate that the power went out at about 6 am.


Peachy. 767 dollars for nothing. Absofuckinglutely nothing.


So, Adam and I try to stay warm and eventually Mom & Dan get up and we start planning what to do. Still no generators. Oh, and the manager changes his story. Apparently the truck is at the Missouri border. Which frankly, makes me believe he's an asshole. The MO border is about an hour and a half from Flippin, where the store is located. He could have made it long before the store got bad if he was there.


But whatever.


My aunts house is packed. There is no room for us anywhere. We call around, the power is down in Yellville. And there is only one hotel in Flippin and it's a roach motel.


So, we call Mountain Home. THEY HAVE POWER! So, off to the Days Inn we go.


Mom refuses to have Gram stay with Mom & Gram's friend Erica, even though Gram and Erica said it would be fine, so there are six of us to fit into a 5 person MAXIMUM car. So it's two trips. We'll be lucky to make it off the mountain for one, but okay.


So, Adam insists Gram and I go in the first run because he doesn't want me to be cold, and he doesn't want Gram to die of hypothermia or some shit since she has a bad heart. Understandable.


So, after waiting, and waiting, for Gram to get her ass moving, we're finally on our way.


Only, after a hellacious journey off the mountain, we get to Mountain Home too late. The power in the Days Inn side of town went down only moments after we reached that side of town. They can't check anybody in without power. No hotel room for us. Now, Mountain Home will be up faster than the rest of us, especially since the power company is saying it will be 24 hours minimum before they even give us a time estimate on how long it will be until we have power again. Greeaaaat.


So, we drive around frantically as Mom tries to figure out some place to take us for us to wait while she grabs the guys so that we can then all meet up and head to days Inn once power is back.


Everything seems to be closed on that side of town, and there's not a whole hell of a lot for us to do on the other side of town, and for a few, mom even thought she'd forgotten her wallet. JESUS H. CHRIST!


SO, after finding her wallet, I come up with the idea to take us to McDonalds in Gasville, which SOMEHOW, MIRACULOUSLY has power. I'm guessing because most of their main power lines are away from trees since they're on a main highway stretch. I don't know.

By the grace of God, McDonalds is open. And that's where I am now. Blogging in wordpad, since I have no internet, and trying to keep my sanity. The fucking stupid cashier keeps going on about how "Mountain Home, Yellville, flippin, all down", like it's some fantastic fucking news. Which for her, I guess it is since her fucking house is five minutes from here and still has power.


I'm so fucking frantic, and I don't know what to do. There is ONE hotel in Gasville and we'll be lucky if it doesn't get packed full by the time my mom gets back to pick us up. If Mountain Home doesn't get power back, we may very well be fucked.


If my mother would get a cellphone like a normal person, I could call her from a payphone and let her know to just go to the Brass Door and get a room and then come grab us and take us there.


But no, cell phones are evil, my mother says. Oh yes, so evil. She's ranted against them for years. It is only within the past few weeks that she's started to ponder the idea of getting one seriously. When I get mine this fall for college, I'm getting a family plan and ramming it down her throat so she has a cellphone for these fucked up disasters that always seem to occur in our lives.


Because it's not just this shit. It's the two or three days without power during the summer, where all the food spoils and we have no water. That occurs at least two or three times a year. It's the times we have no water when the pipes freeze constantly because of some fluke.


It's me being left to sit at college for almost four hours while my aunt runs around with my moms fucking vehicle and decides it's more prudent to hang out with my uncle the whole time he's at his appointment instead of coming and getting me.


It is ALWAYS one fucking thing or another in my life. I shit you not.


The LAST time this particular scenario happened, we were out of power for two weeks. We braved the first few days at our house, since we had a propane heater, but we had no water. So my Uncle Jay had to come rescue us, and get me, Mom, Mike, Chris, Mikey, etc. out of our wonderful little shit hole, and take us to our aunt Terri's house to bunk it for the next 11 days it was down because, of course, Yellville at least had power after the first day or so.


But of cours,e no one cares about those of us out in the woods, and we'll be lucky if Flippin or Yellville sees power anytime before February.


No, I'm not kidding, teehee. Seriously, I think i'm going to kill the McDonalds cashier. Hopefully, Mountain Home will get power soon, or Mom will be back to fetch us soon so we can get a room at the Brass Door. Wow. I never thought I'd say that.



About an hour later....3:00pm, January 27th


Okay, so we've been in McDonalds for well over an hour now, and I'm starting to get really, really worried. I realize it took us almost two horus to make it to Mountain Home, drive around a bit, and then turn around and hit Gasville. This means that it would probably take two hours for Mom and Gram to get home, get Dan and Adam, and get back to us. Frankly, they shouldn't be here yet, but I still can't help panicking. I need to stop freaking out before I scare Jr.


About two and a half hours after original post....(5:30 pm)


So....at about 5:20 (about 2 and a half hours after we arrived at McDonalds), Mom & crew finally zoomed by and pulled into McDonalds parking lot. It's funny, after eyeing every single white car that went by, I recognized ours instantly and not just by who was inside.


Mom and Gram had a lot of trouble getting back into the boys due to some major downed trees and various other shit.


Thankfully, they got in and out, and got here. Mom managed to make a reservation at another hotel because now the Days Inn is apparently fucking full. Oh, and the one we're going to? Doesn't have power. Jesus H. Fucking Christ. It better have internet when we DO get power back. OYE. This is ridiculous beyond all reason.


Adam and I are hanging out at McDonalds while the other four go and get the room taken care of, and then they're coming back to get us and pop us in behind them. I want a shower, badly. And a bed. And internet. Definitely internet. For 20 bucks PER PERSON in this fucked up hotel (way more than the Days Inn charges and it has internet), then they better have fucking WiFi for christ sakes.


*sigh* Going to try to amuse myself. Poor Adam. He's getting foods and getting me a lid for my drink. I love my husband. He's amazing beyond all reason.


And I'm just thanking God that they're all okay. Thank you, thank you, thank you God.


6:06 PM


Adam ordered his food just after my last post, so at about 5:35. All it was was two drinks and a double quarter pounder. He's still waiting for it right now and has been standing there for th elast twenty or more minutes because they made everyone with a pending order who'd already had a taken order stand and wait at the side of the counter. Stupid fucks. This has gotten retarted.


I'm including pictures of what the McDicks currently looks like, and the pics below don't even show everything. There are about 12 people hidden or missing, and frankly, this is LIGHT compared to how packed it is earlier. It seems the night shift is dysfunctional.


Mom and them still aren't back and I have no idea why. I don't know what the fuck they're doing but I hope they get back soon...though I hope Adam gets his food so he can fucking eat first.


I even fell asleep sitting here bored sipping my tea waiting for Adam to come back and keep me awake. I just took two Tramadol to help my back, hopefully they won't knock me out even worse. I've had an iced coffee, 1/2 a large root beer, and 1/2 a cup of sweet tea and it's still not enough caffeine. But then again I only slept for three hours.


I'm so fucking tired *sigh*. This has gotten so fucking old so fucking fast.


I don't know if that same little cashier is here, but if she is, I think I'm going to murder her on my way out, just because of her oh so fucking pompous attitude about how HER power was still up at her house this afternoon. Stupid cunt twat.


My poor blog is being violated.




I have never been more proud of my country in my life.

Today was the first time I ever had the privilege of voting, and I'm so proud I had the honor of casting my vote for Obama.

When I found out he'd won, I had to rush over to my grama's place where my mom & her were, and tell them. We then sat and streamed his speech via CNN and cried our eyes out. My grandmother was sobbing hysterically and kept saying how never in her life did she ever expect to see a black man elected, and how proud she was of America.

My mom & I were both quietly sobbing, letting out an occasional "HELL YES!" or "AMEN!"

It was awesome.

Yes, we can. Yes, we DID.

My heart is singing. I feel...god, I feel so free.

There's so much work to be done, but by god we'll do it. Over 1/3rd of my country voted today. 1/3rd. Factor in that only 2/3rd's are eligible. Over half of the people who could, DID vote today.

We did it. WE DID IT! No more crazy election stealing shit! WE DID IT.

Oh, and I'm getting a new tattoo...one of the best line's I've ever heard comes from President Obama's speech:

"While we breathe, we hope."

Yes, yes we do. And I have my hope back. I can dream again.

The Box, Microsoft Dicks, & Halloween

So, my cousin was in a pinch and we wound up buying his XBox 360 from him to help him out. This is very exciting since there are a lot of great games coming out on the XBox, Tau already owns a lot of good XBox games (he sold his box, so he can't even play them), aaaaaand there were some games Dragonflyy & I were after (like Beautiful Katamari & Naruto: Rise of the Ninja).

So, yaye. Well, I've gotten more and more into the "Sex-Box" as I call it, and am really enjoying all the neat little quirks. I'm very excited about the new XBox live experience, am looking into getting a few accessories & a live subscription for christmas, etc.

Well, I'm floating around on the XBox Live FAQ, and started reading the extended definitions of what each gamer zone means. Now, I'm already flagged as "Underground", because frankly, I'm a hardcore gamer and I can be a mean bitch when it comes to my games. I'm not terrible, but I'm not necessarily nice, either. So, Underground it is.

Well, I was slightly pissed when I read this description of the "Family" setting: 

You might be a family gamer if …

  • You knitted four matching wireless controller cozies, one for each member of your household. With love, of course.
WTF? So, if I knit, I'm automatically a little family-orientated female who can't handle some smack talk or some hardcore fragging? 

Bite my knitting ass, Microsoft.

Seriously. W T F? *sigh*

But, on to other news...

There are a lot of good games coming out for the Box, as well as the DS, and I'm looking forward to getting back into my DS over the next few weeks. I admit, I've neglected it in the wake of, well, a lot of shit, but I'm hoping to change that.

Also, I've been collecting Halloween art on Gaia, as well as participating in the Halloween events there. I've also been getting more and more into online adoptable sites laterly, specifically Valenth & Dragoncave, though I'm also pretty active on PokePlushies & Whimpsters as well.

Anyways, I'll talk more about these things later, as I'm aching from being sick and I'm freezing, badly, so my fingers are starting to lock up and my back is killing me.


Pretty fuckin' sad all-in-all.

So I'm pretty sure it's official that I need to post here more.

Actually, I know it is.

It kind of pisses me off that i used to keep a journal online that I wrote in 1-4 times a day, and now I can't even seem to update once every couple of months. 

I suppose the problem is that online diaries have lost their anonymity for me. Matdredalia is synonymous with my name around the web. Google Matdredalia, and you could pretty much find out everything about me save for my bank number and social security number. You could find out where I am at that particular moment in time, you could find out who I've dated and when.

All in all, it's kind of neat to be able to chart my life online from the time I was 13 until now, but it's also kind of saddening because I don't have my freedom anymore. I honestly don't care if my mom's family sees it, they all know I have a big mouth and that I don't always like them a lot of the time, that's no biggie.

The problem is I have this wonderful thing called "in laws". And not just one set, but two! (Not to mention my devoutly Catholic grandparents, who, thankfully, thank God, don't google me).

Now, I don't have a worry about DragonFlyy's family. They're very private, very respectful people.

However, Tau's family...well, they're not nosey. But they also take a very active interest in his life (not that I blame them), and that means they're all on my Facebook. Which means they could find me pretty easily if they felt like it.

And there are a lot of things I'd rather they didn't see/hear. I don't want them to see this shit, but then again, I can't keep bottling everything up and hiding from myself and the world. And judgement be damned. Let them judge me. My sister-in-law has already decided I'm a whore, so fuck it. Let them think what they will.

So, the question would be, what was I trying to hide from them? Well, let's ee..

For one, anyone that knows me knows I'm pretty fucked in the head. However, there is a lot I don't want or need my in-laws knowing. Fuck, I don't even want the anonymous strangers out there knowing a lot of the shit that goes on in my head.

At the end of the day, the fact is, I'm sick. Very sick. I have severe mental issues and while I would never hold someone's mental illness against them, and I know I shouldn't hold it against myself, I am very ashamed. I am disgusted with myself and some days it's too much to bear. I don't want to be an angsty emo teenager. I'm ashamed of my mental failure.

I'm ashamed that I forget things that someone said a few minutes ago, I'm ashamed that my brain's first answer to emotional trauma or termoil is "I want to die". I'm ashamed that the only release I can think of is hurting myself.

I'm horribly, inarguabley disgusted with myself.

I know it's a disease. I know that depression is a major symptom of both hypothyroidism and polycystic ovarian syndrome. I know being biplar is a major biproduct of my thyroid.

I KNOW it's not my fault.

But that doesn't mean that I believe it.

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I blame myself for my mental shortcomings. Somewhere, deep down inside, I hate myself more than I ever have in my life, because even though I now know that it's not my fault, and I have all the diagnosis, and I've matured and grown, I still feel like I am the ultimate failure.

I feel like I've lost everything that makes me who I am. Not because I'm no longer emo and angsty, but because even though it's supposed to be hardest as a teenager, it's worse than ever. My depression and anxiety have turned me into a recluse. Why hasn't it gotten better?

I feel like I'm a complete fuck up, because here I am at 21 years old, and what have I accomplished?

Fucking. Nothing.

Absolutely nothing, save for my marriages.

Other than Dragonflyy & Tau, I have done nothing of value in my life. And the thing is - I CAN'T TAKE CREDIT FOR THEM! They came to ME. They helped save ME.

So what have I done? I've gotten my World of WarCraft main character to level 70. I finally have an MMO character that max level.

That's pretty much the only achievment I can think of that comes to mind. How fucked up is that?

What else have I done? I went to England for four months, which was the hardest thing I've ever had to do. But I didn't have a choice. That was for love. And what did that really accomplish? Not a whole hell of a lot except helping ease Tau's pain for awhile.

I finished my first year of college and then jumped ship because I'm fucked in the head, my back hurt way too fucking much to get out of bed most days, let alone walk around campus, and I kept needing to run out of class for various reasons, usually to upchuck from anxiety. GREAT!

I completed roughly 75,000 words of a fanfiction novel, and then left my readers hanging because I jsut can't get my head on straight enough to finish it.

So there, that's my life's accomplishments. At twenty fucking one.


What the FUCK did I do to my life? How in the FUCK did I become this mess? How in god's fucking name did I EVER let it get this bad?

My best friend is a successful College Graduate, who is currently teaching Junior High & High School mathematics courses. She's got her own apartment (that she can actually LIVE in), her own car, a beautiful, loving girlfriend, two wonderful dogs, and an amazing life ahead of her.

She was only one year ahead of me in high school. 

So why can't I get my life on track like her? Why can't I be as strong as my mom? At 18, she had already given birth to me AND left my abusive father.

Someone explain to me how in the fuck my mom had a three year old at 21, and still kept on going, please? How did she keep fighting? How did she go through all the bullshit she went through and make it as far as she has? 

No, she never finished college because she had my brother. But she's happy. She has the man of her dreams, a beautiful 5 acre piece of property that NO ONE can take from her, because it's fully paid for, 100%. Her home, is hers. And while it still has wiring problems, and she needs to finish remodeling the kitchen, it's beautiful compared to when she got it. The work she has put into it is astounding.

My house is a disaster area, my cat went feral on it, and I can't even live in it because the floors are shot. Oh, and if I'm late on even one payment, they're going to demand the entire $700 that's left.

I owe my grandparents over $1,000 that I borrowed from them to get home from England. I have a $500 medical bill over my head from spending my 19th birthday in the emergency room. I owe several hundred dollars on my credit card that, go figure, I had almost completely paid off, but couldn't finish after Dragonflyy lost his job.

Now, how sad is that? HE was paying off my credit card -_-

I want to take care of myself. I want to do something for the world. I don't want to be a leech. I just want to do something to help the people I care about and the rest of the world.

And yet I can do absolutely nothing.

I can barely stand and do a few loads of dishes before my back hurts so bad I'm in tears.

I can't go work at the plastics company or the wiring company Dragonflyy & my step-dad work at, because both places require strenuous wrist movements. (My step-dad had to file a workman's comp claim for his wrists when he first started working there, and he's permanently in wrist braces when he sleeps because of it.)

Now, what's so wrong with hurting my wrists for the sake of my family? I was diagnosed with severe carpral tunnels clear back when I was about 17. My wrists are so shot that there's an enormous lump sticking out of my right wrist. My hands are the one thing I've got for my music, my writing, my art, everything. I can't risk making them even MORE fucked up.

And see, my first thought is "Pssh, excuses. Get your ass to work. You're fucking stupid and lazy and fucking pathetic."

But even my step-dad has said I need to keep my ass away from work. And this is a man whose been working since he was 16 years old. Who is a dedicated worker, who ascended the ranks from grunt manual labor to a top level office position in under two years. Who reached the highest pay bracket at the company in 2 years. Who has gotten multiple bonuses for going above and beyond the call of duty, when we weren't even aware that this company had EVER given ANYONE a bonus. (And we've had family working there on/off for over 15 years).

My step-dad worked 7 days a week, working a weekend job on top of the one he's at now, for almost a year before my mom told him "If you don't stop, I'll tell your mother what you're doing", and he finally stopped the weekend job. He works overtime, non-stop. Even if nobody in the company works overtime, he does.

And yet here he is telling me that I shouldn't go work. He agrees with my mom and Dragonflyy that it would only do more damage and keep me out of college longer. That I need to go on disabillity so I can get medical coverage and get through college.

That I need to be a fucking leech on society.

And people wonder why I hate myself?

I want to be so much better than I am, but I don't know how. Even if I told them all to go fuck themselves, and went and got a job, I couldn't get there 'cause I live almost 15 miles out of town and have no vehicle, except my parents. I can't even walk a qurter of a mile before I have to stop for a good five minutes to just be able to move again.

When my iPod came in January of 2007, the Fed Ex guy couldn't come down our dirt road, which is about a quarter of a mile each way (I'm guessing here), and I had to walk up to the end of the road to get it.

Now, this dirt road is one I used to walk every day, twice a day when i was in high school. (The end of our dirt road was my bus stop). It hurt, sure. But I could do it. I wasn't panting when I got home from school (unless it was 100+ or under 32 degrees outside), and my back would stop screaming after about 10-20 minutes of sitting down.  It still hurt, but not too bad.

When I walked up to get my iPod, I got the box for it, then sat down in a snowbank panting, gasping, and puking for a good five minutes before my brother found me there, handed me his coat, wrapped his arms around me to try to warm me up and helped me walk back home.

Now, I'll admit, the cold really fucking hurt me that time. The cold air in my lungs is what made me gasp and puke. But the pain? That was just from the walk.

My back is so shot, and it keeps collapsing. And the weight won't come off. Even when I'm on my pills, eating less, and exercising what little bit I can, it still won't come off.

So what do I do? How do I save myself from this? How do I get better?

The only thing I know anymore is to do what everyone said. Go be a leach andg et on disabillity. So, that's what I'm doing. I've got tha paperwork on top of my monitor, an appointment with a doctor in roughly a month, and the works are already in motion.

And I hate myself more than I ever have in my life.

And I don't know how to save myself. Or anyone else.

And go figure, all I want to do is save the world.


I decided back in, oh, February, that I was boycotting the Beijing Olympics. It was an easy decision to make. I mean, why support the olympics being held in a country where human rights are not a joke or a myth, but a complete and utter fucking legend?

But then something caught my eye a few weeks ago, and it really made me think. A lady in San Fransisco, one of the Torch runners, a proud Chinese American activist, lesbian, and human rights worker, declared loud and proud that though she disagrees with the problems in Tibet, she is supporting the games.

She made some very good points, one of which is the fact that the Chinese people are not their government. Another point she made was that the games are not about politics or international disputes. They are about the athletes, and the unity.

Her words sparked some thoughts in me, which lead to one major thought: The Olympics are meant to unite. Not divide.

People in WHEEL CHAIRS were attacked in France for carrying the Olympic torch. Now just let that sink in.

Protestors attacked people who are handicapped for simply wanting to participate in a once-in-a-lifetime (if you're LUCKY) event that is meant to be a celebration of unity, beauty, and world peace. Explain to me how in the hell that is right?

Peaceful protests? BEAUTIFUL! That is what we need! We need to urge OUR government to take action against China. But let's be honest here, attacking these poor people, boycotting these athlete's who have trained their whole lives for this and who simply want to compete, damning the Chinese people for things that are a result of events years before they were born....

NONE of these things is going to change what is happening in Tibet. It may make a few self-righteous bastards feel better, but it is not going to bring about change.

What will bring about change is protesting OUR governments inaction and complacency. Tell our government they can not stand idley by and let China continue their ridiculous tyraid over Tibet. Attacking innocents is not helping, not at all.

So, I'm supporting the games 150,000%. Because they are about unity and peace. They are about these athlete's who have given their all and have worked their minds, bodies, and souls to the bone to be there.

I've been watching the opening today (the parade of athlete's is just finishing) and I have cried multiple times because seeing all of these nations coming together in a time of peace, in a time of hope, is beautiful.

No, the world is not at peace. There is horrible pain and suffering all over. But I look at the Olympics as something to aspire to. The feeling of peace and prosperity is amazing, and I believe that someday, that will be our world. If we try hard enough. If we protest the RIGHT way. If we do not stoop to violence, then I beieve we can make it to where the world is prosperous, peaceful, and free.

I have not one dream, but thousands of dreams, for this one world. But they all make up the ultimate dream: Peace. Peace for every person alive.

I'm going to enjoy the games and cheer for my country, and pray that someday, someday soon, the world is at peace, and we will no longer have these stupid, pathetic hatreds that consume so many people so deeply.

Enjoy the games everybody, and may the powers that be bless every single person on this planet.

P.S. If anyone is wondering what I'm doing to celebrate...

I'm watching the games, playing in the WoW battlegrounds which are holding a battleground Olympic-esque tournament, I'm knitting a scarf for the Shawl Relay in the Ravelympics (olympics ar Ravelry.com), and I already participated in the Gaia Online "Rejected" Olympics.

I'm also having Chinese takeaway tonight, because you know what? Regardless of how bad human rights suck in China, their history is one of innovation, invention, beauty, philosophy, and brilliance. And no matter my personal politics, I honor that history as I honor every country's diverse and beautiful past.

Count Your Blessings

So, things have been...difficult the past few months to say the least. I haven't blogged because, well, I got over being an emo blogger a long time ago, to be honest. Yeah, I'll do the occasional rant, but I really do not like spilling my guts to the interwebs anymore. (Funny how that changes, eh?)

So...I was talking to my mom about all thet hings that are stressing me out and the one piece of advice she gave me, besides "pray" (no, my mom isn't a Bible thumper, but by heavens does she believe in prayer), was to count my blessings.

I'm bad at that. I'm really, really bad at that. Clinical depression / bipolar makes me even worse at it.

So I've decided to force myself to start counting my blessings - while I knit, while I play games, whatever, and I'm going to start dropping them in my journal once a week.

I'm only forcing myself to come up with one for each day of the week so I'm not using the same ones over and over, but I think 7 blessings a week is pretty damn good.

I've designated my "Blessing Day" as Wednesday, my favorite day of the week, but I wanted to get started sooner, so, here we are on Thursday, and ya' know, I'm just going to post yesterdays, and consider this the start of a new week.

I'm blessed because I have two wonderful men in my life who genuinely love me, with all of my faults and quirks, and who love me for all that I am, good and bad.

Until next week! Toodles!

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